Disciple-Makers Build Relationships


Let me be honest, I struggle tremendously with conversation. You may be thinking to yourself, "Wait, isn't he the community guy at New City? How could he struggle with conversation?" If I'm honest with myself, healthy conversation is not something that comes easily to me. I tend to talk a lot and listen very little. I tend to dwell on the surface, rather than diving deeper. I tend to forget details about others lives, rather than following up with them regularly. Healthy disciple-makers must be outstanding listeners. We must be willing to listen to hear people's concerns, pains, and hurts.

I have spent years in Latin America and have learned lots from Hispanics. Their culture is driven by community and conversation. It is not uncommon for a Dominican to invite a stranger walking down the street onto their porch for coffee and a conversation. During these encounters, they ask deep, thought-provoking questions and they listen to what you have to say. This creates a warm and inviting culture. I've long desired to be someone who listens well; so naturally, I've been drawn to Latin American culture in hopes that I would garner just a fraction of their care for others.

What I've learned is that mission starts and ends with relationship. Conversations create a foundation for healthy relationships. I don't believe I'm alone in my struggles with this concept. Many people struggle to have meaningful conversation and take the posture of an engaged listener.

When I examine my own heart and observe others around me (who likewise struggle with conversations), I see three roadblocks and potential areas for growth:

1. We don't pray.

Psalm 5:3 says “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

In Psalm 5:3, David models the attitude we should have when we pray—that of eager expectation. We should believe God will answer our prayers and diligently watch for his hand at work. As we pray for God to reach our City and as we pray for 625 people, we should pray expectantly. As we pray for our list of people far from God, we should pray expectantly knowing that God desires to set the captives free and save the lost.

2. We aren't effective at asking good questions and listening.

Specifically, we struggle to do this in a way that digs deeper into someone’s life to get to know who they truly are and how the Gospel would even be good news to them and their story. When we don't ask good questions we get stuck talking about fantasy football, weather, movies, etc., without ever getting past the small-talk that most people (including me) are most comfortable with yet longing to break free of. Good question-asking and listening allow us to turn the corner from the superficial into authentic relationship-building. This begins with a transition from “what do I say?” to “what should I ask?”

3. We actually don't know what to say.

Let’s assume we’ve become great listeners and feel like we have an opportunity to get to know someone better! But what now? What do I say? Many times, all you need to do is ask questions to get a conversation going.

By no means is this an end-all-be-all list but here are 10 simple questions to help you become a better listener, which will in turn help you build deeper relationships.

  1. What was good about your week? Why? How did it make you feel?
  2. What are you thankful for from this past week?
  3. What has brought you the most excitement lately? Why?
  4. What was difficult about your week?
  5. What are you learning these days?
  6. What has made you feel worried or frustrated this week? How did you deal with it?
  7. What has made you feel sad this week? How did you deal with it?
  8. What was growing up like for you?
  9. What advice would you give me? I'm struggling with _____________.
  10. What has been the most rewarding thing in your marriage lately?

By now, you should have your list made; continue praying daily for the people on your list. As God provides opportunities to have conversations with them, let's listen well and ask great questions. Would you join me on my difficult journey towards healthy disciple-making as I learn to ask more and tell less? Let's encourage each other to be more active prayers and listeners.


In a recent conversation about 'Life on Mission', we explored what that could look like and some of the reasons we try to push it away. Jeff Vanderstelt does a great job at exploring the importance of living on mission in community, as well as some of the reasons why we try to excuse it away.

Yes, we can pretend to have it all together while sitting in a pew on Sunday or while impressing one another with our knowledge of Scripture. But mission exposes our inadequacies and need for grace.

If you are in a small Bible study group, one of the best things you could do is move the study out into the neighborhood. When you read a command in Scripture, ask, “How are we going to obey this command together on mission?” In other words, ask yourselves what this passage says you should do together (life in community) and how you might do it in the middle of a mission held together (life on mission).

Doing this will bring up all sorts of opportunities for discipleship: excuses will be expressed, fears acknowledged, lack of confidence or courage realized, and inadequacies verbalized. Then you’ll be getting somewhere in terms of people’s discipleship.

In this process, you will discover the truth about everyone’s present state. When you actually get out of the comfort of your Christian community and onto the streets of mission (in your neighborhood, at a café, in the park, or at a local high school), you will discover together where everyone still needs to be discipled. The junk will come out, and then you will be able to disciple one another in the everyday stuff of life.

I was surprised by this on my first mission trip, but after a few of them, I knew it was coming. Soon, a part of me began to hate taking mission trips because I knew things would get bad—we would fall apart and we would be seen as needy.

Yet that was why I continued to lead them. Such brokenness has to happen if real discipleship is going to take place.

Sometimes I wonder if this exposure is why Christians avoid getting on the mission of making disciples together in the stuff of everyday life. We know we will be exposed. We will be seen for the needy, desperate people we really are. Our junk will come to the surface. Yes, we can hide and pretend to have it all together while sitting in a large gathering on Sunday or while impressing one another with our knowledge of Scripture in a weekly Bible study. But out on mission, the need for grace and power from God will never be more clearly manifested.

That’s exactly what we need. We need to see and know our need for Jesus. We need to see and know others’ need for Jesus. Then we need to give one another the truths of Jesus to change us, empower us, and allow His Spirit to work through us effectively. We also need to experience God using weak, tired, and broken people to do amazing work.

This happened in the early church as well. Before Jesus ascended into heaven, He told His disciples to wait for power from God—the Spirit of God was going to come upon them and empower them for the work (Acts 1:8). The disciples were sent out with God’s power and presence with and by His Spirit. They faced persecution. Many died for their faith. They lost possessions and family members. Many messed up and grew in the grace of Jesus as a result. And they grew in their love for one another, their devotion to obey God’s Word, their prayerful dependence on God, and the powerful proclamation of the gospel. They all grew while on mission (Acts 2:42–47).

The mission revealed their need and required God’s help!

I’m amazed at how often Christians want to experience the presence and power of God apart from the mission of God. I’m also surprised at how many people believe they can grow people up toward maturity in Christ apart from getting them involved in the mission of making disciples.

This stuff can’t happen in a classroom. It does not happen in one-on-one meetings. And it does not happen if we just hang out together as Christians all the time. We have to get out on mission to fulfill the mission of being disciples who make disciples.

I used to think we should take people out on mission trips once or twice a year. Now I’m convinced we need to help people see they are on mission all the time.

Unfortunately, many disciples of Jesus don’t get beyond seeing church as just attending an event on Sunday or Wednesday or doing a Bible study together. They are not experiencing what it means to be on mission together in the everyday stuff of life. So they live with the facade that everything is OK. On the surface, they look as if they are all in for Jesus. But brokenness, pride, insecurity, and selfishness are all there under the surface.

(taken from Saturate: Being Disciples of Jesus in the Everyday Stuff of Life.)